Kids (and Moms) Say The Darndest Things!

When I pictured motherhood, I imagined an infant in a clean onesie, a stroller that always looked like it came from the factory and sippy cups that never leaked on my couch.
Yeah. Hardy har har.

The baby showers ended in a flurry of pink and blue confetti then in the blink of an eye, my infants grew into chatter boxes...uh, I mean toddlers.

I knew all kids said funny things, that's why then made a tv show about it. So I expected cute nothings coming out of my little one's mouths...things like "Mommy, the clouds look like cotton candy."
"Yes dear." I'd pat their clean, well combed heads. "You're so adorable, innocent and calm."

But no one ever warned me for the insane things they would DO...resulting in the insane comments that would pop out of my mouth.

I'll share a few:

One day I glanced out the window to find my 3 year old with the hose in his hand. "Please stop watering the chickens." He looks at me like, You do it mommy.
So I'm forced to respond. "Yeah, well mommy does it only when the chickens eat her flowers. There's a difference."

And I'll never forget the embarrassing incident at the market when I had to say, "Levi, You don't pat men's tummys in the grocery store." He looks up at me with large, adorable, confused eyes and once out of earshot, I add, "I don't care how big it is."
I never imagined needing to apologize to a red suspendered man. "Sorry sir. I think he was trying to give you a high-five."
I toss a disapproving look to my son. Apparently sometimes temptation is just too much to take.

Then there's kiddo #2. His one-year-old sister is lighting-fast when it comes to stealing his things...the train off his tracks, the sippy cup from his lap. My son knits his eyebrows together and tells her, "No." Then he often turns to me and says, "Let's take her to the dump."

Believe me son, there's days I would like to. The girls lucky she's so cute. I'm certain that's why God made puppies and babies irresistibly adorable--survival.

I'll be out at a yard sale, or the store and a passerbyer might say, "How much for the little girl?" It's a common joke, you know, 99cents for a pound of apples, $2.00 for that old picture frame, $10 dollars for the kid. I pause as temptation pulls my response in two different directions. I look down at my toddler who is chewing on the box of cereal and has thrown her shoe out the cart two isles back.
My response is usual the same. "Depends on the day."
They smile.
"Somedays, she's priceless. Other days I'd trade ya for that Starbucks in your hand."
Which means, all I have to do is tell my mom "It's a half-price day," for her to know that its been busy, hectic, sticky, messy, squealy and stinky. She hugs me and says, "You're a great mom. I'm so glad I'm the grandma."


I'd love to hear the funny things your children...and their mother say, in hopes that I'm not the only one whose lost my mind (and any sliver of coolness I may have had). Share your stories by posting them in the comment box below and we'll all have a laugh :D