Bloopers and Blunders of a Wannabe Author



"I'm just a cotton headed ninny muggins."

"You're not a cotton headed ninny muggins...You're just special."


Poor Buddy the elf. I know just how he feels.

How so? Well, I've decided something--aspiring authors can sometimes be rather spastic people. Or for the sake of this blog post, "special." I mean, we've got all this penned up energy, all these stories darting around in our brains while trying to squeeze through this funnel that leads to the world of publication. So at times (due to all that creative energy and darn emotional drive) we tend to be more of a menace to society than a pulled together professional. Ever had one of those moments? The moment when any decorum (or coolness) you may have had dissipated quicker than you could say "elevator pitch."

Boy, have I ever. So just for fun, and for all you out there who've ever accidentally traded your brief case for a dunce cap, I've decided to share a few of my own writing bloopers and blunders.


1.  So when I first starting sending out query letters, I printed them on this really nice ivory paper. Nothing wrong with that. But then I decided to get crafty and use my little embosser I got at the scrapbook store and make a pretty little header on top with scrolly things and a flower. Apparently, I thought my crafty touches would secure me an instant contract. It didn't. Fortunately I showed restraint before pulling out the stickers and puffy paint--but not before drawing, then scanning, my own personal logo that I so professionally designed and printed on each query letter. Beginning to see the whole wanna be author on the loose thing? Oh, it gets worse.

2.  Many moons ago, at one of my first signings for a little book I had, an old family friend (someone whom I've known practically since birth) came to buy one. I pulled out a fresh copy of the book and my little sharpie marker, then went to personalize it.

Except I just stared blankly at the page, wracking my brain for this person's name. For the life of me, I couldn't remember.

I asked them--this person I'd known since birth--who I should make it out to. They suggested I make it out to them and their spouse.

Oh.

Now at this point, I desperately wanted to dive under the table but I'd probably smack my head and knock myself out and I really didn't want the bookstore owner to have to call 911 on my behalf. Besides, as a close family friend this person would probably have offered to ride in the back of the ambulance with me and hold my hand while I iced the lump on my head the size of a cantaloupe AND I still wouldn't have been able to remember their name. Hmmm, at least I'd have an excuse. Tempting...

I decide to forgo the diving under the table opportunity and proceeded to stare blankly at the page awaiting personalization. Finally, I asked, "How do you spell your name?" And (of course) they said, "Just like it sounds."

Uh.

At that moment, this sweet, kind, patient person spelled out their name and the light bulb went on. I may have been sweating bullets by then, but if they noticed, they showed nothing but gratitude for the book.


3:  At a writer's conference recently, I had an appointment to meet with one of my absolute favorite authors. I was really excited. Beyond excited, because I'd been planning on meeting with this person for months and had all these questions I was just dying to ask.

So. I had my time mentally recorded when I began chatting with another writer friend during a free moment. She told me about her upcoming appointments and somehow my (spastic-wannabe-author-on-the-loose) brain decided to convert her time to mine. Long story short, I suddenly realized that I had missed my meeting so I rushed (OK, I practically ran--if you're envisioning me in my ridiculous black high-heels catapulting myself through the facility, business cards flying out behind me like a cloud of dust...you're not too far off). I missed the meeting and with a broken lil' writer's heart, mopped my brow and probably went in search of the snack table to drown my sorrows. I hear they invented this thing called pen and paper--they say its handy for writing things down. Who'da thought?


4.  The VERY first time I called my agent, it went to her voicemail and I was so nervous I blurted out, "Hi Suzanne, this is Sandra."

Instant Replay: "Hi Suzanne, this is Sandra."

eh em.

My agents name would be Sandra and my name would be Joanne.

Apparently I confused her with my mother-in-law, then proceeded to steal her identity. Oh, and then I sat without speaking for probably five seconds, no doubt breathing into the phone like a stalker, debating whether or not to hang up. Then I remembered this little thing called caller ID (and how to converse in the English language) and quickly left the shortest, most pitiful message I could manage before hanging up. Yeah. Great way to kick off that professional agent/author relationship.

Well that was painful, but I feel like I got a lot off my chest ;) Feel free to share you're own bloopers and blunders. I'd love to know that there are others out there who've lost all sense and reason at least one time or another! Oh and the next time you bump into a writer aspiring toward publication, be patient...they're a little special.

Photo credit: Elf, 2003

Home From Mount Hermon 2011

Well I'm home. After spending a day cuddling and hanging out with my kids, attempting (and failing) to unpack, I decided to sit down and write about my week at Mount Hermon. I've heard from so many writers who have been there what a great conference it is and now I see why people go back year after year. The grounds are absolutely gorgeous and this year's conference just happened to land in a sunny patch of the weather forecast so we had warm, blue skies every day. Last night over Mexican food, I told my husband about the conference and he was very attentive. Finally, he said "So it's kind of like band camp but for writers." Haha, pretty much. Who else but a group of writers would think a late-night panel discussion on e-books between Steve Laube, Randy Ingermanson, James Scott Bell and several others is as fun as an episode of Saturday Night Live?

I decided to take Steve Laube's morning track which was an inside look at the publishing process from idea to print. Our class was small, just six people, but he was a great sport about it. Steve Laube answered our questions and personalized his examples around our own books and places in the publishing process. The folks in my morning track were so friendly and it was a great time of sharing our writing projects and goals and getting to know one another. I wish them all the best! And I was really glad for such a small group when it came time to stand in front of the class and test our elevator pitches. Everyone gave feedback and we all walked away with the perfect pitch. Although when Steve reminded us that the class was being recorded for all to hear who chose to buy the conference cd's...gulp. I think he thought he was funny :)

And really, I have no idea why I was so nervous. It's not like any conference I've ever been to. I even wore my purple converse most days and fit in perfectly with the jeans and tennis shoes theme. Mount Hermon is so welcoming and makes it easy for first-timers to get into the groove of things. Meal times were an opportunity to meet writers from every genre and walk of life, while sitting down with faculty members who are more than willing to hear pitches, story ideas and schedule appointments. None of those dreadful 15 minute speed dating appointments at Mount Hermon. Thank God! I admire those who are seeking an agent and bravely set up appointments and pitch their projects. It really is quite a task, one that I spent a long time pursuing, making me all the more thankful for my wonderful agent.

The days were jam-packed with workshops from morning til night on every writing topic under the sun. My favorite was a night-owl workshop held by Sarah Sundin about researching for historical fiction. I almost didn't make it because my fabulous sense of direction had me wandering around in the dark forever until I finally found the room. Let me just tell you, the girl knows how to research and had some of us drooling over her massively thick binders chock full of perfectly documented notes, countless copies of magazines, newspapers, even food ads from 1940, complete with color coded tabs, a table of contents and detailed bibliography on every book she has used. She must have read a hundred books on WWII and her suggestions and tips for researching were INVALUABLE. I had to pick my jaw off the floor and make a mental note to whip my own resources into better shape. And congratulations to Sarah for her win at the awards ceremony Monday night!

When I found time to sneak away, sometimes skipping a workshop for a walk along the paths and a deep breath, I felt instantly energized. The redwood forests, lush with ferns and greenery, wildlife and streams, was the perfect place for reflection and spending some time alone with God. Every evening, a message of encouragement and a challenge to walk closer with God seemed to spill out of the keynote speaker, Bill Myers. It was a wonderful time of study and reflection on my own walk and a reminder that God is with us through all times. If you have considered purchasing any conference cd's, that is a session I highly recommend.

Being there with my critique pals made the trip so much fun. We supported, encouraged, and often times laughed with each other as we took it all in, making my first trip to Mount Hermon one I will never forget.

Mount Hermon, Here We Come!

I am so excited! In less than a week, some fellow writing pals and I are going to load up in the car, weighed down by a variety of road snacks, Starbucks gift cards waiting to be redeemed, a little help from the GPS, and we'll set out on the 7-ish hour drive to Mount Hermon. Can I get a "Roadtrip! Woohoo!" *composes self* Thank you.

Oh and by the way, I took this picture while writing this blog post. Yep, no kids and what is a writing mom to do but spoil herself? That box may or may not contain pastries from the tea shop in town. You would see the slippers on my feet but you know...the whole feet on the table thing...

So back to Mount Hermon. This is my first major writing conference. For several years, I attended the two-day conference put on by our local Christian writer's guild in San Diego...I know I'm not really local, but they let me hang anyway :) The guild hosted their annual Spring Event just this past weekend and it was so much fun getting to meet with my fellow writers, chit chat, nibble on yummy food, and listen to Leeana Tankersley, our fabulous speaker, author of Found Art. Also, Susan Meissner, author of The Shape of Mercy, always hosts one of the workshops. This year she showed us how to create a fabulous one-sheet. Invaluable tips and advice, thanks Susan! I've got mine all done and ready to print out to take to Mount Hermon.

But like I said, never been there, so I am a little (OK, really) nervous about the conference. This is very outside my element. I'm a mommy who stays home with little rug rats doing all those sticky, noisy, things that mommies with rug rats do all day. So rubbing elbows with people who actually have a wardrobe of business clothes, professional business cards, and eloquently delivered elevator pitches...well has me shakin' in my apron. Ya know?

But I think that's sometimes the point. Writer's conferences can be INCREDIBLY intimidating to those who are new or just plain inexperienced. Like me. And my guess is, for many others. The good news is that it always seems like once we step into the unknown, put on our Lucy Pevensie brave face, and dive into a new experience, we often (if not always) come out a little stronger, wiser and the better for it. So I am excited about the new experiences I will have, fabulous workshops and tracks awaiting, and the new friendships and contacts yet to be made. Not to mention...this mommy could use a vacation :D

And for more on Mount Hermon, check this post out.

Tummy Butterflies and Book Proposals From The SDCWG

This past weekend was the San Diego Christian Writer’s Guild annual Conference—a great place to meet publishers, agents and other authors. We word-nerds tend to get stuck having coffee with our keyboards and characters every day so it’s a refreshing change to hang out with fellow writers who are pursuing the craft of writing and using their gifts for the Lord.

The conference was great this year. Attendees had the pleasure of hearing speakers and authors such as Miles McPherson (Former San Diego’s Charger and Pastor), Lynn Vincent ( New York Times Best selling author. Her collaborative projects include Going Rogue and Same Kind of Different As Me) and many more.

For writers, these conferences are a lot of time spent waiting and preparing for the big day to arrive, then a burst of everything happening at once. That can be very overwhelming. I, for one, was so nervous about my faculty consultation with an agent from one of the best agencies in the biz, I could hardly eat breakfast. And it was a cinnamon roll! But I did force myself to take a few bites and after talking to others around me, I knew I was not the only one who’s nerves were jippity (is that a word? It should be).

So how do we process these moments? How do we let go of our book proposals, while remembering the hours we’ve spent putting them together, and all the times we googled "how to write a book proposal." Not to mention, the months, sometimes years devoted to the shaping of our books, only to have a few minutes to impress an agent or editor with our brilliant pitch and top notch sample chapters. Uh…no pressure.

I was ready to get home, put my feet up, toss my writing portfolio on a VERY high shelf and hang out with my family. But I was in my car, on a highway, and home was a few hours away. Then, while flipping through the radio, I landed on a Christian station and my favorite song was on. It goes something like this: “Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save.” So there I was, feeling my energy trickle back and I sat up a little straighter. That’s right, I thought. God can move mountains.

Sometimes we get blessed and the mountain just happens to be our dream come true. Those are special moments in life! Other times, I believe the mountain is our perspective. How many times in life does the situation change completely, not because the dishwasher stopped leaking or the baby magically changed her own diaper, but because our perspective…our attitude changed. Some of the greatest stories I’ve ever read did not end with the protagonist getting exactly what he or she wanted, it ended with the protagonist learning the valuable lesson they were meant to learn—to rely on God.